by Daryl Moore
After a breakup the toughest times of the year can be discovering we are single around the holidays. It gets worse when we attend an event and we see other couples who we perceive are happy and it adds to our loneliness. It is also difficult if kids are involved and it is not our schedule with the kids. Whatever the situation, we dread it because we perceive something is missing. Anytime we are focused on what is missing we find emotions that do not support us.
I have had two long-distance relationships in a row. My current girlfriend lives in Los Angeles and with me living in Denver it seems like there are not enough flights back and forth to keep consistent emotions on a high. There are nights where I simply miss her and a phone does nothing to make it better. I usually experience it in small sections of time, but it is painful. I will not have her for thanksgiving this year and I realize it represents thankfulness and gratitude.
How can we overcome these feelings?
When we feel lonely or under a wall of negative emotions it is difficult to “just feel better.” So, the focus needs to change drastically. I always start with a list of what I am grateful for. It is hard to stay in bad emotions when thinking about what we DO have. I was at a place where I had nobody. I focused on being with family and friends who didn’t make me feel worse about my breakup. List all that you are grateful for, or could be if you wanted. Obviously my worries are smaller now since I have a person in my life, but even when I was coping with being single (divorced) after the initial feelings of being dumped, I started to learn to change my focus.
Contrasting also helps. There is always someone else in a more terrible existence. This ties into having gratitude, but is also a standalone topic. Be willing to look at how good you have it compared to others.
Fix new meaning on the holiday. Instead of focusing on what is missing, find an intention heading into the holiday. Intend to connect with a friend better. Spend the time just fully being immersed in the gathering. If you are alone, pick some of your favorite songs and love every minute. Or pick a great movie to watch. Create a new ritual until life changes for you. There are so many great things to concentrate on.
by Daryl Moore
When I reflect back on my divorce after 26 years, I realize I was experiencing emotions that kept me in a living hell. I was not ready to see the things that were great in my life. I just had the same behaviors day-after-day and really stepped into the role of being a victim nicely. Patterns take over and the accumulated period of unfulfilled living took over.
A friend of mine once told me, “If you want to get ahead in life, study helicopters.” I asked him if he was smoking something. He said, “The problem is that in life we tend to say, do, and live in lives that are the same as the day before. By stepping out of what we are used to and expanding to curiosity and living a larger life, we can get our zest back.
What he was stating was that the only way to live a better life or have a better career we have to expose ourselves to more than we have previously seen. Industries often have set practices for customer service, marketing, fulfillment, and companies in a particular tend to copy each other. The key is to study other industries and see what is different that could be applicable to your own industries. We can also do this in our lives.
Start reading books you wouldn’t normally read. Expose yourself to a variety of education and activities. Soon you may find a new “favorite” thing to do that you had never experienced before. Make your breakup the start of exploration. Find your real soul in the process. Remind yourself to stay out of the ruts.
Do something today that is new and enjoy every minute of the process.
by Daryl Moore
After the relationship is over and we are used to the companionship and we are in the dark, all alone. This is the worst of times. We are still experiencing rejection and not knowing if we will ever find love again. The last thing we can consider is that it is time to connect with ourselves. We are always seeking another person to make us feel whole.
I was used to have my wife beside me. Even if I was on my own in my thoughts, I always had her beside me when I came to bed. I used to feel security from having that. It was a sense of control and normalcy in a world that contained so many challenges. It was the most thing to get used to when she was no longer there. It took a long time to realize that she was just a comforting thought. I never considered what I would do if she was gone. When the divorce happened, I obtained an apartment when my house was being built. It was a choice for mew of where to live. I loved it when daylight was present. When the dark of night set in, I had an unbearable feeling that this was my reality forever. I dreaded night time. I tried to go to sleep as quickly as possible so I didn’t have to think about the divorce.
Over time, as I moved in to my house, I realized that loneliness was in me, not her. She was done with me. I would guess that her feelings at night did not match mine. I knew that I was just focusing on the wrong things. I realized if I focused on my passions and projects I would be focused on what matters to me. This realization saved me emotionally. I made a list of all the things I wanted to do in my ideal life. Once I engaged in activities that meant something to me, I noticed the evenings were much more enjoyable. I realized my focus was everything. I was investing in emotions that were dead. I went to being fully engaged in life and suddenly I knew that I had great things coming in life that had been hidden for so long.
You were whole before the relationship, whether you felt it or not. Social conditioning makes us feel that something is wrong with us if we are not in a relationship. This makes people move from one relationship to the next without ever considering what they want for themselves.
Start focusing on what you have versus what is missing. Life responds to our wants and visions. Have faith and trust that something around the corner will add to fulfillment. Always know that life continues. There are billions of people on the planet to connect with. Be in tune with yourself and loneliness fades out. A relationship is not meant to wipe out a sense of self. It is meant to have somebody there who compliments us, not replaces us. You complete you. Another person doesn’t complete you.
by Daryl Moore
When the pain seems unbearable after a breakup and we feel like we are caught up in a sea of negative emotions the situation can feel hopeless. I was there and I felt like it was an out of body experience. I just had night after night when I went to bed alone and saw myself deteriorating and felt there was nothing I could do about it. It was needless suffering and it took a lot to get back into control.
There was a distinct point when I remember the shift. I noticed that the majority of the situations causing me negative emotions and pain came when something triggered me to feel that way. As human we tend to attach to times we experience really powerful positive emotions or extremely negative emotions. For example, did you have a certain song that you attached positive feelings to in a relationship? There are endless examples of people who told me that a song was “their song” in a relationship. It used to be euphoric each time the song came up on the radio or Spotify. After the breakup the same song, when it comes on, now causes pain and loneliness.
There are at least a handful of triggers of this type that rule our subconscious minds each time the trigger shows its ugly face. We react like a monkey reaching for a banana and then the pain starts. To make matters worse, we tend to see these triggers everywhere. It can be in the form of an activity we did with our ex. It can come when we see a picture. It arises with places we used to frequent with our ex. Valentine’s Day was painful. Thanksgiving and Christmas were difficult.
One of the best things I did to move past the pain of my breakup and dealing with the loss of my 14 year old son was to sit down with a pad of paper and I listed every trigger I could think of that would lead to pain. I brainstormed exhaustively until I had an extensive list. Under each trigger I wrote two ways I could react differently when I experienced each trigger. The obvious solutions were to avoid the places and scenarios that caused the most pain. I came up with new hangouts. I set up new music playlists on my phone that ensured powerful emotions versus songs that caused loneliness or depression. Though the exercise was an investment of time, it has paid huge dividends. Since we have thousands of repeated thoughts daily, many negative, it is best to set up some new patterns that will create emotions by design versus knee-jerk reactions.
Try this exercise and email me at daryl@afterrelationship.com and let me know what works for you. I love to hear the success stories.
by Daryl Moore
At the beginning after getting abandoned from our partners, we have the intense desire to fix the relationship. The problem is the other person doesn’t share in your desire to make it work. After you try multiple times to reconnect and all they do is block your advances, it is natural for the rejection to turn into anger and resentment. Just remember this is also a normal reaction. It is the first step in moving toward getting back in control of your life.
There are only two words I can offer for people who are considering acting out during their time of anger and resentment. The words are, “Think first.” Once you say something or do something you cannot take it back. I have witnessed people who state that they will never see the ex again, so they don’t worry about burning the bridge. Letting go has more to do with your benefit than theirs. If you leaving a destructive path behind you because of anger toward your ex, remember that they can react and post on social media or speak to others about your irrational behavior. It is too easy in today’s world to slam a person’s reputation. What you put out negatively, or positively, will come back to you. Think first!
The most difficult place to reach in your mind is knowing that you have your own life to live. When you tie your emotional energy to another person, it is stealing from the progress you can make toward your own future. Think in advance of where you are spending your energy. The partner wanted the relationship over, so let them have their way. Make your life the best it can be and stay in control of your own direction. Self care is always the answer.
