by Daryl Moore
I was talking to a friend today about the topic of unwanted negative emotions. I was reminded of a book I read recently with the title, “High Performance Habits: How Extraordinary People Become That Way” by Brendon Burchard. The book is based on a study of over 100,00 high performers. Not only does the book focus on career ambitions, but has a lot to say on the topic of staying on what is truly important.
One tip in the book is to decide in advance how you want to feel in each situation we enter. For example, even if it is just a phone call, set your intention on what you want yourself or others to get out of the situation. What do you want as a result of the conversation for you and the other person on the call with you. Decide on intentions you want from the call. Also, name the feeling you want as a result of the call. The purpose from life is to get from the process of life, not just to move through it. Presence is a huge focus to get joy from our lives.
Think of your day in advance. List everything you plan to encounter and simply ask what you want from each task or encounter. Also set an intention. You will be amazed how much more juice that comes because of this one simple practice.
by Daryl Moore
When a breakup occurs and it is close to the holidays and we feel all alone, remember that life is peaks and valleys. Right now, try to make the valley as peaceful and centered as possible. Remember that the good times are coming.
This is the time of year when the loss of my 14 year old hits me the hardest. With one way conversations and his absence from everyday things, I tend to notice him missing even more during the holidays. It is the most likely time for stress.
This is the time to turn to gratitude and knowing that the focus has to change to what we are lucky for and not on what is missing.
Everyone have a safe and peace-centered holiday. I do understand and I send you all love.
by Daryl Moore
The knock came at my front door. When I opened the door, two men were standing there with a large envelope. One of the gentlemen asked the dreaded question: “Are you Daryl Moore?” I responded with “yes” and they proceeded to have me sign for the packet he was holding. I remember my hands shaking as I saw the papers.
My heart was speeding up at an uncontrollable rate. I was sweating and numb at the same time. I had a mad rush of negative emotions going through my head. My world was falling apart. I knew the day of divorce was coming, but I wasn’t sure when.
When I opened the packet, and saw the words Dissolution of Marriage at the top, my heart sunk. Divorce is the last thing I wanted. My mind went to the darkest of places faster than I ever thought it could.
I called my wife while she was at work and asked how she could do this. She apologized and said, “I planned for the papers to be served at home instead of a day you were working so I didn’t embarrass you.” I was shocked. This was a relationship that reached the better part of 30 years and I couldn’t understand a reason in the world it could not be worked out. My dream of my relationship died at that time. I stood there crying and shaken like a truck had run over me.
After I experienced the initial emotions, the fears began to set in. How would this divorce negatively impact the kids? How would I get to be with my kids when the courts favored mothers? How could I afford to pay child support with tight finances and have to carry another place to live? Would it all fall apart? Would I need multiple room mates? Where would the kids sleep if I could get my share of the custody? How could I afford everything I needed for a new place? How would property be divided? Not only did I feel deeply abandoned, I felt an intense negative feeling that would follow me around for weeks.
My guess is that you have some similar thoughts to mine at this point. You probably have more questions than answers right now. I wrote this book for you because I know the suffering and deep pain that occurs when we don’t feel wanted or needed any longer.
In my opinion, there are very few experiences in life more painful than a breakup we did not want, or did not expect. The initial emotions are hard to ignore and there isn’t a tool or trick in the world that can remove that pain. When we head toward fear and uncertainty, there are a few tricks that can truly help.
Over time I have created a hybrid of ways to address emotions after a breakup. When I first experienced the serving of paper to me, I didn’t have the luxury of one reliable way to handle it. My challenge was that most of the people teaching the topic had not experienced the length of marriage I had, a house fire up against the divorce that delayed it all, and a suicide of their child shortly after the divorce. One tool that saved me tons of fear and uncertainty was by a man named Dale Carnegie in a book titled, How to Stop Worrying and Start Living. The tool he offered was simple but powerful for me.
Dale Carnegie said to imagine the worst that can possibly happen for you. Dig deep and write it all down. The second step is to write down and take action on all of the things that can improve upon the worst scenario you wrote in step one. A couple things make it an effective tool. First of all we are not hiding from the situation. We are facing it head on. Next, we are creating a plan for addressing it. Finally, we are taking action which almost always reduces fear. Try this tool in your life if you are fresh out of a relationship and need to get some rest from the negative emotions. It works in all areas, but is an extremely effective tool.
In my book, Abandoned and Shattered: How to Survive and Thrive After the Pain of a Breakup You Didn’t Want I have a full section of tools for overcoming fear and the range of emotions that you will face after a breakup.
by Daryl Moore
The fear of being alone brings up a variety of deep-seeded emotions that can make life miserable and add a monumental level of anxiety for many. Life is busy and full of distractions. The pull to be involved with another person brings us to a point of misery if we are not yet in a new relationship. Jumping right into a new relationship can be the last thing we should do.
Never replace being busy with doing things that lack meaning. Shortly after my my divorce I felt that I was broken and didn’t have anything to offer another person. I avoided dating and putting myself out there because I was overwhelmed with the thoughts that caused me confusion about who I was anymore. I sorted my life out and started asking the questions about what I wanted my life to be about for the next 20 years. It proved to be an irreplaceable step to healing and getting my bearings before heading into a new relationship without dealing with some internal battles that needed to be addressed.
To have a relationship full of meaning and rewards we must first realize that we are half of the new relationship. If the focus is getting someone else to complete us, then we have already lost the battle. The secret is to be complete and happy in ourselves first before heading into something new. Getting out there too early just leaves unresolved emotions and baggage that can be transferred to a new relationship. The fear of being alone is more about not wanting to dive into unresolved feelings we have, and until dealt with can just add another relationship to the “loss” category.
What can we do to overcome the stigma of being single?
- Realize that time invested in ourselves is hugely valuable to making decisions more accurately about where to go next.
- Notice that couples look happy often, but they also having problems brewing inside. The concept of being in a relationship is much different than actually being in one. Relax.
- Realize that bringing your best self to a new situation will be valuable because it allows us to have a chance to create something real with another person.
- No matter what happens in life, including breakups, we only have ourselves to rely on when the dust settles. If we live a mostly peaceful and happy life, we will have that no matter what the actions of others bring to our existence.
- When we don’t NEED someone else, daily life feels sweeter. Then when someone comes along, it is a partnership versus immediate gratification and the potential loss of another relationship. Take your time and find your way.
- Take the time to evaluate what you really want in each area of your life. Make the focus on you. When you are happy, know your intention for areas of your life, and are living your own truth, that is when a person who is right for you will appear.
- Remember, you are not broken. No matter how society makes you feel or tells you who you should be, you have time to decide that for yourself. Don’t rush it. Take time to figure out what is right for you. Rushed decisions bring stress.
- Start by taking small steps into activities that YOU enjoy.
Removing the pressure of other people’s opinions can do wonders. Sitting quietly with a good book and taking time to reflect on what is right for you is never lost time. It is an investment in the future.
by Daryl Moore
After a breakup or divorce when we are in the position of getting dumped, we often feel like we can’t breathe or function without having the other person in our lives. It goes much deeper than we think in terms of the attachment to the other person. Obviously, we want to pull our focus to something more important that will better our lives, but it isn’t always that easy.
In addition to only considering positive memories from our past relationship, there is also a chemical addiction to the other person. Dopamine is being released in the brain due to the feelings of love. This reaction happens both in short and long-term intimate relationships. In 2011 Stony Brook University in New York conducted a study to do MRIs on couples married an average of 21 years. The same areas of the brain that are centered around dopamine activity continued to fire off, but with less stress since the relationship became more comfortable and predictable. So, again, chemical influences were involved and a breakup could create a biological tie to the partner who wanted the breakup. The lesson is that we are more involved with the person because of some level of chemical dependency.
Don’t be too hard on yourself with thinking you were stuck on a person like it was a will issue. Knowing that that getting over the breakup is the goal, we still need to hold ourselves accountable for moving forward in life. We can start seeing that the future can be inspiring and fulfilling simultaneously.
It is funny how we remember all of the good times we had with our ex partner, but seem to forget the miserable components of the relationship. Adding to us favoring the good times, we feel rejection from the breakup and pursue the other person because our soul feels at a deficit for the moment. Just remember that feelings and chemical reactions are a normal part of the breakup. It doesn’t mean the other person is the answer to the problems. It just feels that way.
To get some separation in your mind there is a simple exercise you can do. The first thing is to get a pen and pad of paper and list all of the things that you did not enjoy about being with the other person. You can think of values that were difference, habits they had that drove you crazy, times when you were hurt because of their thoughts and behaviors in the relation, and anything you can think of that was not a good fit for you.
Another thing that I live by is creating a gratitude list of everything in your life, without that other person, that shows you there is more there than just a relationship. Think of what you do have and it is easier to forget about what is missing. You are half of what made a relationship work, so you have to remember that piece of you is still alive. Just start focusing on the life you want from here forward and pull yourself out of the dumps.
