by Daryl Moore
After my wife mentioned our divorce for the first time, a scarcity mindset kicked in and fear was dominant. I hung on her every statement and emotion for months with the wish that I could save our marriage and family. I committed to the point that I was angry when things didn’t hope and when I felt like I was the only one investing in “until death due us part.”
I noticed I was more angry in general and would be shorter with people than I was prior. I was creating an outcome and expectation in my mind about how the wife and family relationship needed to be and it was adding a lot of stress and pressure for me. This was because my expectations and reality were not lining up. When we get our hopes up and things don’t happen the way we think they should, we tend to be unhappy or lacking peace.
With all of the events that were adding to stress, one night I just took off in my car without even having a destination in mind. It was like when Forrest Gump started running and just kept going. My story wasn’t that drastic but it was key because it was the first night I started to build in some separation from my divorce mentality and it allowed me to start breathing a little bit. I drove through some of my favorite places around Denver and then into the mountains for a few hours. I played my favorite music in the car and just forgot about my problems for a while. I didn’t have to discuss the topic with anyone and just took some well needed time for myself. I started building that into my routine to help me let go easier.
Even if you are still fresh in the emotions of a breakup, try to create separation. It will be a while before you can fully let go, but short breaks from it can make a huge difference to how much pressure you feel. Just let off steam and take a compartmentalized time frame.
Also, lighten your expectations up. If somebody broke up with you and your happiness depends on that person calling or texting you, it could set you up for failure. The best focus is to release and surrender and start taking care of yourself. Many people want to get the attention of their ex partner by showing them what they are missing out on. They chose to be gone, so make the direction all about you. Soon enough life will step in and show you what is great about your new direction.
by Daryl Moore
I remember when I was in a place where rum and cokes were a focus and I was counting the hours and days since the divorce. Time dragged, my emotions were all over, yet I had the trophy of counting the days since marriage and trying to make myself feel better because of all of the independence I had. I then would have thoughts of the family breaking up and the days away didn’t seem to matter. It was miserable.
It all changed when I focused on enjoying the process of my life. I made each situation and experience sweeter and did proactive planning of where I wanted my life to go. Suddenly the days stopped mattering. When I stopped drinking I was advised by a friend who was a past alcoholic that it is best not to think about the hours or days since drinking. He said that it keeps your mind on what is missing (the alcohol). He was so right. Instead I just focused on reprogramming my life for what I want and had my own list of exactly why I was stopping (the negative consequences I was ridding of) and the rewards of how much better life would be without consistent drinks.
I remember the day I received my blood readings on my liver after the several years of rum and Cokes. It was not good. I immediately dumped all the alcohol from the house and replaced it with tea and coffee. I have had a couple of beers since in select settings but the hard alcohol is gone. My thinking is clearer. I have more presence with my family and friends. My health is better. I am more productive.
After a breakup it is easy to keep the mind on the breakup and the time that has elapsed since it was ended. Use this time instead to place all of your mental faculties on what is going right for you and the direction you want to head. The person who dumped you will not be watching the clock and worrying about you. It is time to live your life and enjoy all the experiences that make your heart light up.
by Daryl Moore
I woke today to the news of the Vegas shootings and my heart truly goes out to all of those impacted by this senseless and much too common tragedy. It is easy for the mind to get reeling about “why” someone would ever do something this terrible. It is a cry for help in a desensitized world. There is a spiritual deficit for these angry people. It leads to fear for many and keeps people from leaving their homes.
I know that when challenging times in life arise, it is easy to go into hiding and not want to deal with life. After a relationship breakup times are already a struggle. I do not like to preach yet also believe that there is always hope. The last thing I will do after a senseless act like this is let fear take over my life. These are troubled people who simply lack meaning and priority in life. It is amazing how one shooter can do so much damage to others.
Remember to live your life by your own priorities. Find meaning in life that extends beyond the thoughts and actions of another mentally ill or badly slanted individual. This is a reminded that life is precious and there are the choices of moving on and living or throwing in the towel. Please use this time to decide what in your life has meaning and do your best to keep that at the forefront of your mind each moment. Thoughts of gratitude and peace can push out fear and hopelessness.
Life changes in a moment. Make the decision to live a free life and live with compassion and purpose going forward. Get engaged and step outside your own problems for a bit. The world internally, and externally, is built on perception. My love goes to all of you.
by Daryl Moore
We may never know why our spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, or partner turned on a dime. Sometimes it is difficult to see the signs of a crash coming. We want to remember back to when love was fresh and it seemed unbreakable. We were in love and nothing could distract, yet end something that feels so perfect. The chances are that it could have been going in a negative direction for quite some time.
Regardless of how it happened, I was able to come to the realization after the divorce of exactly what had taken place after a little distance to reflect. It is a little more difficult to see it when I stared it in the face each day. It is like having a child and everyone says, “Devon is getting so big.” But because we as parents have been around him daily, we don’t notice that he grew three inches in the last year. It is only after his physical with the doctor annually that we see the changes.
The signs are often there in a relationship that the direction is not productive but when two people are fighting to be right, we may never know why the other half shut off on a dime. The feeling of not being loved anymore is unbearable for many people.
First of all, a breakup consists of two minds and two people not being in alignment. Sometimes it goes way beyond the actions or behaviors of just one person. Just as recipes can often require certain ingredients in certain amounts, a relationship can require the same. What keeps one relationship on fire with passion can do the opposite with a different person, so don’t be too hard on yourself or change yourself for somebody else.
There are some steps that you can take after experiencing the pain of getting the news that it is over:
Step One: Stay calm
Your thinking and memory stay more optimal without stress and fear running through them. Stress releases Cortisol, which is your primary stress hormone, and this diminishes your ability to make logical choices in your mind. Step back and see the bigger picture. Know that freaking out right now will do little toward productive solutions.
Step Two: Remove the Impulse to Reach Out
When the person you love abandons you it is easy to feel like you need them badly. This is a huge mistake because it can lead to a more stressful confrontation. Just as they were not considering your emotions when they made they choice to break off the relationship,it is best to keep in mind that you approaching them with add to their feelings of it being over. It adds to their guilt for dumping you, and reminds them why they wanted away from you. Give yourself and the ex partner some breathing room. Stop emailing, calling, texting, driving by her/his house, using social media to contact them or post about them, and let life be right now.
Step Three: Shift Focus from We to I
When our focus is on how much you can’t live without your ex and how they were the best thing that ever happened to you, you are giving energy to them that you could be saving to invest in your own situation. Whether you like it or not, their wish was for the relationship to be over. Start looking at what is in front of you. You can never move forward if the car is in reverse. I am not at all saying this is easy. Your brain rarely has a focus on more than one thing at a time consciously. Keep it moving toward solutions versus problems that have already happened. Notice what questions you are asking yourself that make you feel lousy. If you are asking, “Why can’t I ever keep a girlfriend in my life?” your brain will give you answers to support that lousy question. Instead, ask, “What is great for me about no longer having to deal with this relationship?” Don’t you think you will feel much better with the answers your mind provides?
To get past a breakup we didn’t want, we have to learn to optimize our minds to magnetize toward a more fulfilling future. The future can be a masterpiece and one that far exceeds what we have experienced so far. Start to take action on things you can control. You will feel much better when you sense that you are gaining control over your life.
by Daryl Moore
When I went through my divorce I was in a fog every day and felt like all I could do is think of my ex-wife and the good times. I was putting a bunch of energy to a woman who said she was done, and I can guarantee she wasn’t thinking about me in return. My loneliness transitioned into anger. “How could she leave a committed and loving husband and father?” “How can she just throw 26 years away?” These were the types of questions I asked myself over and over, and you can imagine the responses that came. Yes, they were terrible and self-victimizing. With poor questions come horrible answers.
I learned to disconnect from her shortly after that. I made the decision that I was going to start living MY life again. She had her life, and I needed mine back. I was reading Oprah’s book, What I Know for Sure, and a central theme was gratitude. I refined my list of everything I did not lose in my life and committed to read, and feel, my list each day in the morning and evening. I started smelling the coffee I was brewing and noticing how the warm cup in my hands. I did this for each experience. I used my senses to get myself engaged in the moment and it made a huge difference each day. The moments of hope and inspiration compounded and suddenly I wasn’t thinking about my divorce as much.
If you are overwhelmed, step back and take in the moment. Put a wall around yourself for a few minutes or an hour and just experience the moment you are in and have gratitude about all that is right in your world.
